Three years ago, my life changed drastically when I became a full-time caregiver for my husband. My husband, Ron, had a number of medical conditions, the worst being a deteriorating spine that was unstable. On x-rays it looked like the collapsing columns of the roman coliseum. Though he had been in pain, he kept working for many years, but when his situation became unbearable, he took a medical leave and I became his caregiver.

In high school had it been a category, I would have been voted “least likely to be a caregiver.” Needles make me queasy, I gag at the site of blood, I’m clumsy, and I’m a germaphobe. I’m, also, not warm, gentle, patient or soft-spoken. My husband is the opposite of me. He’s nice. He is, also, warm, gentle, patient and soft-spoken. When our grandchildren ring the doorbell, I answer and they run past me yelling “Grandpa! Grandpa!” Since he’s been sick, he’s even sweeter. Do you know what it’s like to live with a really nice person?

In 2008, I authored an excellent study on Faith. I wrote, “Sometimes problems arise; our family’s finances are upside down, the doctor calls with bad news, or our job security is shaky. Do we trust God or do we toss, turn, and lie awake staring at the ceiling? We need to have faith in God that He will care for us.” Reading thru that old study, I realized that years ago, I thought I was an expert on faith. That was before my finances were uncertain, before the doctor called me with bad news and before my husband lost his job.

During my recent trials, I thought I trusted God, but I still tossed, turned, and lay awake staring at the ceiling. Anxiety and doubt stole my sleep and tried to steal my faith. Knowing what you believe is one thing; living like you believe it is another. Do I believe that God is worthy of my Faith? Yes, I do. Did I live like I trust Him? Not always.

In the Bible, it tells of Peter’s attempt to walk on water towards Jesus. When Peter saw that the wind was boisterous, and the waves were raging, he was afraid and began to sink. Jesus said to Peter “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” I became “O you of little faith.” My eyes were on the winds of medical crisis after crisis and I felt the waves of doubt crashing around me. I remember after one doctor’s appoint, Ron and I got into our car. We had just gotten the news that a virus in his eyelids had returned and he would immediately need another surgery. I hit the steering wheel and said “Really?” “Really?” Ron asked, “Are you mad at me?” I said, “No, Honey, I’m just soooooo frustrated.”

During that season, I had a hundred different things swirling around in my mind: Southern California Edison crossed some wires behind our house and the electrical surge ruined many of our appliances—my furnace was fried. Our old car, the artic breeze—so named because it was white and had a fabulous air conditioner–refused to pass the smog-check and went to clunker heaven. And the most heartbreaking crisis of all, our tiny granddaughter ended up in the hospital because of a lump on her arm. The doctors mistakenly thought she had cancer and placed her on the oncology ward. There is a scripture in the Bible that says if you have faith as a mustard seed, you can move a mountain and nothing shall be impossible. I know how small a mustard seed is and at some points I didn’t even have that much faith.

I kept remembering the Bible scripture “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.” I knew that verse. I’d heard it a million times. I had taught it. But I wasn’t applying it to my life. I decided to take action. I put a CD player next to the couch where Ron lay recovering from his latest surgery, and we listened to Alistair Begg’s Bible studies. I turned on the radio and we listened to Dr. J. Vernon Magee and other Bible teachers. Thank God for modern technology and streaming video. We could attend three different churches on Sunday morning without leaving our couch. I signed up for the online Daily Bread devotionals and I spent time in God’s Word. Our situation didn’t change quickly, but slowly my faith grew. God was working in my life, even when I couldn’t see it.

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.